I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
