I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
