want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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