if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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