nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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