i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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