I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I intend to get homeless drunk
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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