Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
