There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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