Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
