Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
