This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
