Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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