My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
