You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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