First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
