Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I need to sanitize my soul.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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