My first STD was from a foam party
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
