so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
