im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
