3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
