When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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