chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
