The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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