She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
