just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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