Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
