giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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