this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
