At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
