Your mouth is God's brothel.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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