So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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