trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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