I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
