My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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