You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
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they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check