1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...