Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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