Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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