i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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