If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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