i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
