my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
