im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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