Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
