I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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