dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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