Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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