she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
