The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
