Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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