I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I puked a lego.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
