mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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