Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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