My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
