our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
