About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
