WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
