I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize