Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
